Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
