he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I need to wash the frat house off of me
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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