Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize