I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i will never coherently bang her
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
