Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
