who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
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But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
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For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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