wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He shit in the fireplace
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
