theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I will be naked everywhere
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
