He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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