i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
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Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
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I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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