you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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