I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
