someone threw a dead crab at me
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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