Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
