Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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