i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
