I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
