I wannas sexs uuuuu
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
