I accidentally burped into my bong.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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