Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
