The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Randomize
