miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
