You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
