Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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