he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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