I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
