Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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