that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
