Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
