I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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