I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
