maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
