somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
