god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Randomize
