I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
