I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
