DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
