you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
