My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
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girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
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We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"