Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting