his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha