So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
