btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
