she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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