You made me cry and you don't even care
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
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just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
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Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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