The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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