I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
