ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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