It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
