Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
