Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
