they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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