my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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