Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
