I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Rumble strips road head = magical
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
